Hey there friend, heard any great self-improvement quotes recently?
Let’s take a deep dive into common self-confidence advice together and determine whether these quotes are helpful or harmful.
If you live with anxiety or tend to freeze in the face of fear, this advice might not just be ineffective; it could backfire.
In the self-improvement arena, you would have heard the mantra “face your fears” thrown around as the ultimate fix for boosting self-confidence, or in other words, adversity makes you stronger (more examples here). The idea is enticing—confront what scares you, conquer your fears, and emerge victorious. While for some, it works like magic, it’s vital to recognize that this approach doesn’t fit everyone. In fact, if you live with anxiety or tend to freeze in the face of fear, this advice might not just be ineffective; it could backfire. Let’s dig into why the conventional wisdom of facing fears might miss the mark for many people.
Fight, Flight or Freeze
Our nervous system operates on a remarkable principle known as the fight-or-flight response, but we don’t hear as much about its often-overlooked counterpart: the freeze response. When our ancestors faced physical threats like encountering a tiger in the wild, their bodies had two primary options: fight (confront the threat) or flight (escape from the threat). Both of these responses are part of the sympathetic nervous system’s acute stress response.
- Fight Response: In the face of danger, some individuals are wired to confront it head-on. This might involve taking assertive actions, standing their ground, or engaging in a direct and immediate response.
- Flight Response: Others are inclined to escape or avoid the threat. This response is characterized by a rapid retreat, seeking safety as far away as needed.
- Freeze Response: Now, enter the freeze response. Imagine a small animal freezing in the presence of a larger predator. Similarly, humans, as a survival tactic, can involuntarily freeze in the face of danger. This mechanism prioritizes essential functions for survival, anything that is not required for basic survival, is put on hold. This is described as a fear state, where our ability to reason and problem-sovle are put on hold, until the threat is no longer present.
These responses are not up to us to chose. They are determined by the lower parts of our brain and occur rapidly, often before we have even consciously detected the threat.
A real-life example of freezing
Understanding these responses provides insight into the complexities of our nervous system’s reactions to perceived threats. While fight and flight are more commonly known, the freeze response plays a crucial role, particularly in situations where immediate action might not be possible or beneficial. In today’s world, where stressors are often psychological rather than physical, the freeze response can manifest in various ways, including feelings of being stuck, immobilized, or unable to confront a challenge directly. For me personally, and perhaps you can relate, I have experienced the freeze response during my practical examinations for Physiotherapy. Despite my efforts to study hard, with the examiner hovering over me, this fear response would be triggered, rendering me unable to answer the question, even though I knew the answer. I would leave the exam, shaken and confused, unable to explain why it went so wrong. It felt silly, nothing really happened to cause this response, but the elevated stress was enough for my brain to register the situation as threatening. To tie this back to improving your self- confidence, recognizing if this occurs for you, allows for a more nuanced approach to building self-confidence, that takes into account your individual variations in stress response mechanisms.
Reinforcing fear instead of confidence
Here’s the catch: when people, with the best intentions, encourage others to face their fears, and they end up freezing, it can do the opposite of building confidence. Perhaps the well-meaning advice worked for them, or they have heard it so much so assume “it must be true.” The brain, in its infinite wisdom, takes freezing as proof that the fear is indeed dangerous. Instead of a confidence boost, it creates a loop of fear and self-doubt. Freezing isn’t the only reason this advice should be taken with caution, but I will save that for another day.
The brain, in its infinite wisdom, takes freezing as proof that the fear is indeed dangerous. Instead of a confidence boost, it creates a loop of fear and self-doubt.
A better approach to improving your self-confidence
If you are grappling with freezing responses, a more chill approach can be a game-changer. Instead of diving straight into the fear zone, taking small steps in a controlled and supportive environment can work wonders. Gradual exposure over time can desensitize the fear response, leading to more manageable and confident reactions. You can learn to become the brave, calm under pressure person you desire to be. The key is to have controllable and manageable increases in stress over time. This is known to build more resilience without the associated stress response. How good would it be to experience the freedom that comes from self-confidence, belief in yourself and your abilities, without putting yourself into terrifying situations to achieve it?
How I transformed self-doubt into radiant self-confidence
Struggling with self-doubt, indecision, people pleasing, perfectionism, feeling small or all of the above, is exhausting. But more than that, I found it infuriating as I knew deep down I was capable of more. I was getting trapped by my fear responses. My efforts to improve my self-confidence weren’t sticking, the old habitual thoughts associated with self-doubt were hard to kick, they needed a different approach, something completely out of the ordinary. Surprisingly, falling for a phising scam was a turning point in my life (You can read more about this here) which lead me to learning to code. Coding changed my life as it provided me with the safety my nervous system needed to start tackling problems, without my fear responses sabotaging the progress.
I discovered the power of thinking like a programmer. It’s not just about coding; it’s about gaining the self-confidence to tackle any challenge, the resilience to bounce back when things don’t go as planned, and the adaptability to thrive in our ever-changing world.
Growth mindset was no longer just a concept, but a reality. I suddenly had this newfound confidence to take on life’s challenges. Coding can be your game-changer to, the missing piece that will allow your goals to become reality. Want to know more about how coding can help self-confidence? I discuss the neuroscience of how this can occur here.
Conclusion
You my friend, do not need to throw yourself in the deep end terrified, to experience the freedom you desire. Whether it be freedom to choose how to spend your time, freedom to create the business you have always wanted or simply freedom from self-doubt, where there is a will, there is a way, and I can show you that way. Your individual fear responses are important, they should not be ignored for generalised advice.
By understanding the ins and outs of your nervous system in
a laid-back way and tailoring our methods accordingly, we can empower you to
build confidence at your own chill pace—ensuring you do not get left behind on
your path to self-assurance.